I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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