Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
