I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
