I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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