you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
