Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
