This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
