im drinking this country out of the recession.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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