Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
