I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize