I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
