How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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