Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
