Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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