Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
