I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
