he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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