Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
