I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
