Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
