Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
