I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
