Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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