so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
