he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
