I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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