when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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