Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize