He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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