Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
