threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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