Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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