Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Someone came in the potted fern
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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