Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
