i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
