I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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