HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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