I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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