Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
