I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
