i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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