I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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