I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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