cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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