my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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