the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
