I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
pop tarts are not kleenex
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
