I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
