my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
