People in love make me want to vomit
he puts the penis in happiness.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
