We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
