did you get engaged???
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
