He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
