I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
