You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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