Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
