i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i came on her dog
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
