I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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