there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
