Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
