I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
