So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
